less than 10 days

I cannot believe that I will be leaving Hastings permanently in about a week. It is very surreal. It feels like just yesterday I was hanging out at the boys' house, getting drunk, and getting myself in trouble. This upheaval is totally fucking with my emotions. I keep thinking about everything that I have done and the things that I wish I had done, and whether or not I should be proud and satisfied with myself. Also, I keep thinking about the people I am friends with and whether or not our friendship is as valuable to them as it is to me or if it is even valuable to me. I don't know. . .it's all very confusing. Like even though I am around people all the time, I am sooooo lonely right now and I don't even know how to explain it. I have three people that I can call my closest real friends, and none of them are even in Hastings! So, the people that I see on a regular basis are those that I am gong to start to think of as kleenex friends. Once I am done here, I am sure that they are going not even be bothered by the fact that I am gone. The reason that this starts to niggle away at me is that I know that once I am in Minnesota, I am going to be sooooo lonely that I am going to want to call some of theses Kleenex friends and they would not have had the urge to calll me at all. ggrr. . .

And let's not forget the latest worry in my life: th eparty. On July 28th there will be a party at my parents' house for my brothers and I. It started because my Dad was upset that we didn't do anything when I graduated from Hastings. So, I thought, "Hey. let's do something for all of us kids, that way my brother's don't feel like I am getting all of the attention." James is engaged. Josh just moved into a new house, and I just graduated from college. so we'll have one party for all of us. When I talked to my Mom the other night though, it sounded like my brothers had not invited anyone to the party, while I had. We sent out paper invitations to family and family friends and then we kids were responsible for inviting friends our own age. The whole purpose of this party will be shot to hell if my brothers don't invite any of their friends BECAUSE then it will be my friends and then family and family friends, that would make it seem like a gradution party for me, not a party for all of us. I am so frustrated and worried that this is going to blow up in my face. Fuckin' shit.

And of course the best part of my summer happened when I realized that there was no way that I could afford to move to Mankato and live for two months without taking out a personal loan. I worked my ass off this summer at McD's and what did get me? Nowhere. I still don't have enough money saved up (in fact, it feels as if I have no money saved up) and I haven't paid off any of the debt I have acucmulated in the last four years. It's like one of my Kleenex friends said, "I am taking one step forward just to take three steps back."

The bright beacon at the end of this shit is that Jordan comes back from Texas tonight and I finally get to see her after over three weeks. And Molly has told me that she will for sure come to 'the party,' so I will finally get to see her after two months! That's about it, everything else pretty much sucks. When I get in moods like this, I always think of that song that Denis Leary sings, "Everything is horrible whoo-ho. Really, really terrible, whoo-ho, eeeh-ha. Oh, I'm really depressed, I'm really downtrodden, I'm downtrodden, yeah-ah." It sounds kinda depressing, but it actually is sung in such a way that it actually cheers me up a little bit. In the words of Rocco, "I'm fuckin' fine. I'll see you on the flip side."

Contemplate this: If it's true that life is an accumulation of experiences, what is life you feel that you have experienced nothing?