Life Lesson #4,000,034

I finally figured it out: the meaning of life.
It was a long and difficult experience,
Like frozen mud through tire treads.
With all of the decisions we make,
The choices with which we are faced,
The options presented,
We must all remember this one indisputable fact:
Life is a continual succession of catch-22s.
I know you imagine me saying this with
Raven hair, a smoky voice, and torn jeans;
However this is not to simply spout:
‘Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.’
Instead, I think it necessary to look at the mosaic of our lives
And see that with everything, there are not only pros,
But there are inevitably cons.
This conclusion has made my decision making process
Both more and less complicated, of course.
Pro: I am not surprised when the…mud hits the fan
Con: I am the slowest decision maker you will ever meet.
My actions are clearly strategized.
This was not always the case:
As a child I was imaginative, creative, and
Impulsive.
In elementary school—
The breeding ground for
A plethora psychological neuroses—
I was on the reduced meal plan.
My lukewarm cookie-cutter school lunch
Cost $.30 as compared to my classmates’ $1.50.
I was so jealous of my classmates who brought
A cold lunch from home.
It was so special and individual and
Seemed to be paired with so much love.
I started to periodically bring a lunch from home:
A turkey and cheese sandwich
And handful of potato chips
Splaying lazily in fliptop plastic bags.
I was so jealous of classmates with individually packaged
Doritos, cheetos, fritos, and ru-ru-ruffles.
I survived this fiasco and learned so much more about
Lunch time rituals in high school.
Cold lunch became the mark of the undesirable;
Hot lunch became neutral;
But if you wanted to be in, you had to go to the al a carte.
There were slices of pizza brought in from Pizza Hut,
Ice cream cones and sandwiches,
Sundaes, individual brownies and cookies—
Food that entices and impresses.
But, of course it was more expensive
And I so yearned to be a part of that crowd.
One morning, I finally asked my mother for the $2.
She froze and inhaled the most difficult breath I have ever seen:
A criminal fighting against the bars,
Full of frustration and lacking hope.
Exhaling as if she could push the whole world away,
My mother handed me the money.
I have never felt so selfish and guilty.
This decision pitted my struggle to fit in
Against the needles in my stomach when asking for money.
A catch-22.
Years later, I confessed to my mother that I hated asking her for money
And she responded simply:
‘Well, it was my money.’
Her honesty forced me to face
The tenuous hold she had on family finances.
She scraped together each penny
And had to choose between
Disappointing her daughter
And paying a late fee—
A catch-22.
Through her candid comment,
I finally realized the extent to which
Life is a continual succession of catch-22s.
A lesson that has
Been the fire behind my decision making
The voice in my head,
The warmth in my heart,
And the confidence in my step.
Life lesson #4,000,034.